I really need to chill out. Every time I open my Outlook Calendar, I feel like I am going to hyperventilate. I can’t handle having such a booked social calendar. I know some people thrive with a packed calendar but I am no social butterfly. I need to have time free to pull weeds, to sit on the porch and stare at the birds, to read the newspaper cover to cover, to lose at scrabble to Craig. Essentially, I am OLD. All of the planned activities are making me feel like I am in college again- the bad part of college that is, projects on top of tests and papers and Powerpoint’s and STRESS. And stress makes me tired and grumpy and turns my mind to bad thoughts. Thoughts of quitting my job to sit and stare at birds all day.
Inevitably, someone (and by someone, I mean Craig) will think to point out that the busy calendar is of my own doing, and that it isn’t full of stressful things like papers but rather fun things like weddings, and the maze, and swimming- all things I want to do. I wish that made a difference but my mind can’t seem to distinguish good and bad stress.
What makes all of this worse is that I am not stressed at work. Stay with me here, there is logic to this…at least to me. Instead of being stressed at work, I am bored. B-O-R-E-D. Throw in a yawn with that. I know I shouldn’t write about work because someone could find this and read it, but that is okay with me right now because then they would know I am BORED BEYOND BELIEF. There are days that are ok, but I can not stand coming into work not knowing what is going to keep me busy for the next few days. I need some projects I can invest myself in, and unfortunately there are none at the moment. Things definitely change week to week, so the work stress could return at any moment, but for now I am really struggling to feel interested in my work. And while I am sitting here bored, I am wishing I could be out taking care of all of the other things that are causing good stress instead of sitting here typing this blog while bored. What I’m trying to say is that work is boring right now and it is making everything worse.
If only I could find a way to resolve a few issues that are clogging up my brain- such as why am I here, what is my purpose in life, am I called to be something besides a Landscape Architect, where in the heck should we move to, and what shoes should I purchase for this spring- well then, I think I would start to feel a lot better about everything.