I just have to write a post and say what a great thing the internet is. I think it literally saved my life. I intend to write an anniversary post in October to celebrate my first wonderful year of gluten free living, but I was re-reading a depressing post I wrote and never published this time last year and it really took me back. Things have changed so much in a year, thank God.
It was about this time last year that I was curled up in a ball on the living room floor, in intense pain, crying and telling Craig that I was done. Done with the doctors and the tests and the misery- I told him I was ready for the next life because anything was better than living like this. And I meant it. Just as I was planning the trip to Reno, I was also planning an exit out of this world if nothing got better. Dramatic? Yes. But that was the desperation I was feeling, so bogged down in pain and depression that I didn’t see any possible way out of it. A sampling from that post… I really am struggling to accept being chronically ill, but after second, third, and even fourth opinions I guess I need to accept this as something that isn’t going to go away. I can already tell that I am back to being known as the “sick girl”, not that anyone says it but I know they think it. Sometimes I wonder, what is the point? I am tired of pasting on a smile and using all my energy to be normal- not that I ever feel normal for a single minute. I can’t escape the sickness. I’m just so tired.
I feel so horrible for my old self, I wish I could go back and give her a hug and reassure her that as unbelievable as it seems, in just a few months it would be over. And without that trip to Reno, and my mother-in-law who came along and insisted I eat healthy while we were there, and our daily juice breakfasts replacing the cereal I usually have- making me feel just a bit better, and the question in the back of my head… what if? And then the internet, a quick search on gluten-intolerance and celiac disease and my life changed forever.
It’s hard to explain what causes people to become suicidal, I’ve very rarely mentioned to anyone that I was. An absence of all hope allows plenty of dark thoughts to take seed, and it’s hard to get rid of them once they are there. But through the love of my family and friends I just kept hanging on for one more day. And then through the internet, I found answers. And now through the internet I can find information on the disease, support, diet advice, stories of people who have been through the same thing and experience the same struggles, and even food that I can safely eat. I can even find other bloggers who post nothing but gluten free recipes. It all makes me wonder how different my life would be right now had I been born just a few decades earlier. So thank you, internet. I really like you.