1. DON’T buy paint without looking at the price first because you may find yourself at the check out line with two gallons of paint that are going to set you back about $100 when you could have just gone to Home Depot and bought a very comparable product for $30.
2. DON’T buy two gallons when your husband tells you that you will only need one, because when it turns out he is right you will look stupid. And then when you remember how much you paid for the gallon you don’t even need, you will look even stupider.
3. DON’T assume you can take back the gallon and expect the guy at the hardware store to be able to calculate how to turn “Dried Parsley” into “Hillside Green” because you will probably end up with something more like “70’s Avocado Puke Mush“.
4. DON’T skip stirring the paint, even though you just had the color “mixed” less than two hours ago, because it very well may turn out that the same guy from #3 above didn’t bother to put the paint in the shaker thingy and you will pour it out into your tray only to discover streaks and swirls of color, meaning that all of that trim painting you just finished was the TOTAL WRONG COLOR. (Though you should pause at this point to rejoice that “70’s Avocado Puke Mush” actually is “Hillside Green” and give the Hardware Guy some credit, though he still didn’t MIX THE PAINT.)
5. DON’T reuse the disposable brush roller from the day before because you are still feeling guilty about #1, (and this is a two-parter) because:
A) It is likely your son has borrowed the roller and pushed it around the carpet, gathering up large amounts of hair, lint, and fuzz that will now be permanently entombed in the new paint on your wall.
B) Yesterday’s dried paint alters the rollers texture, a texture which will be impossible to recreate when you have to come along the next day and touch up the crappy paint job you did on day one because you were so exhausted from worrying about #1 through # 5A. (Plus rollers cost what, $4? What is $4 when you are using $50 a gallon paint? Seriously.)
6. DON’T allow your rabbits to roam the room when you paint because inevitably one will back their fuzzy rump right up into the wet paint and will therefore have a green butt the rest of their living days because giving a rabbit a bath is only slightly less pleasant than painting.
Hmmm, I guess that is about it for now. I’m sure I can amend the list as we finish the project. You may notice the lack of “DO’s” but just ask yourself, really, are these people I would like to take painting advice from? Yeah, I didn’t think so.