Defeated

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I’m sure it is obvious by the lack of blog posts that the past month has been kicking my butt. Which is not to say there haven’t been some fun times, but at the moment I’m feel pretty depleted. Physically, I’m just completely worn out and it probably safe to say I’m not doing so hot emotionally either. Again, that’s not to say I’m a sobbing mess over here but I’ve definitely have brighter days. I am really thankful for these two beautiful children who always manage to put a smile on my face (which is often followed by a scowl and heavy signs of exasperation. But mostly, smiles.)

In related news, it struck me tonight that I am definitely at the end of the road with nursing. I’ve known it in my head but it is hard to accept that I have to quit before I am ready. I nursed Devan for 9 months and I feel like I am cheating Leah. And I’d much rather buy her cute shoes than formula. I told Craig I think it’s time to finally quit and he gave me one of those looks. The look that says, so you’re finally going to listen to what I and your doctor have been telling you for the past month? My body fails me in so, so many ways and yet I have the ability to feed my daughter. It feels like the one thing my body can actually do right and I have to quit. It makes me feel really sad. Incredibly sad. And frustrated. And defeated.

In happier related news, I am defeating the entire Nelson clan in Fantasy Football. That’s right, I am solidly in first place. Logging on to do a little trash talking is a real bright spot on Sunday nights. Only 10 more weeks to go and I can claim my virtual trophy.

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3 responses »

  1. Oh Elizabeth 😦 This post struck a chord with me on so many levels, but mostly I just wanted to say you are not alone. I was only able to nurse for 4 weeks and it was the hardest decision I had to make. Don't ever feel like you are doing something wrong, or "cheating" her as you put it. I am happy you are listening to your husband and doc – you will be able to provide so much more for her when you are not so incredibly drained. I know it sucks though. I am hoping that things are different for me the second time around but if they aren't I guess I have to just come to terms with that. Either way, you are a FANTASTIC mom to those two munchkins 🙂 Oh, and a fantastic fantasy football player. How is it you always seem to win those things? March Madness, Fantasy Football?? 😉

  2. I find pretty much every post you make to be something I can totally relate to (well, except for being crafty :)). I hope that you start to feel better after giving up the nursing, and try not to feel guilty, though I know that's easier said than done! This transition to 2 kids thing isn't for sissies!!

  3. Sophia had 2 weeks because I produced NOTHING. With Freddie, I was actually able to nurse but chose not to so that it didn't feel like I was favoring one over the other.Talk about guilt! I think it's a maternal instinct to feel like a provider and feel inadequate when we can't or choose not to.You're not alone on the nursing aspect. And you're still a fantastic mom even if you don't nurse.

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