Grasping

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This post was planned to be a big “screw you” to the month of January. Adios, ciao, auf weidersehen, don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Because this month, as usual, has really sucked. Minus a few anniversaries (ours included- what were we thinking??) and a number of special birthdays the month has little to offer me and is usually my least favorite month of the year. This year, January outdid itself. But I won’t rehash it. I already complained enough to my paper journal and anyone who will lend me their ear. And not to mention, with that massive snow storm on route to wreck havoc tomorrow it’s looking like February doesn’t intend to treat me much better. March is the month for me. And then April, a month one can really love.

Even though I wasn’t going to write about health stuff, you are stuck with it because I just got back from yet another Doctor appointment and it is on my mind. So after a half dozen appointments with a numerous doctors the consensus is that there is no consensus. That isn’t exactly true, they all agree I definitely have endometriosis, gluten intolerance, and fibromyalgia. The last one I haven’t mentioned because I’ve been really reluctant to believe it is real, and to believe that I could have it on top of everything else is usually more than I can mentally handle. But as has been explained to me now over and over despite my objections, people who develop chronic inflammatory diseases tend to have a lot of them. And pretty much everything that has been bothering me over the past few years is linked to inflammation and messed up pain signals. At this point, what is one more disease? I guess I’ll believe it as fact if this new $$ prescription targeted specifically for fibro gets rid of the aches and pain and utter fatigue. For the past few years I’ve been getting by without taking any prescription medicines but I do think it is time to give in and see if something can help me out of this pit. I’m cautiously optimistic the hormones (basically the pill) are shutting down a lot of the endometriosis pain but it just isn’t enough. I have deep, achy, radiating pain pretty much constantly and it is exhausting. My entire body feels like I’ve been run over by a truck, day after day after day.

Endo, fibro, and celiac, check. Every doctor so far agrees that I have those three problems, plus one more thing. The question is, what is that thing? No one agrees. And their opinions and solutions all depend on their particular specialty. So who do I listen to? How is one to sort through all of this? I am going to see a more specialized doctor at the end of this month and hopefully have a better plan of attack. I’m not sure what to expect. More prescriptions? More surgery? What I would love is to hear from someone why this is all happening. What did I do wrong? What am I doing wrong? And honestly I don’t care so much about what it is as much as the WHY? Why me? Why all of this? Why now? Why, why, why? It may not be life threatening, and believe me for that I am thankful, but it is incredibly depressing.

Years and years ago when I was a true youngster, I used to detest people who were constantly whining about their health, one thing after another. I though some really awful thoughts about them. I thought it was pathetic. My eyes would glaze over and I would nod with false sympathy. I thought food allergies were nothing more than a call for attention. I thought people got sick because they ate horrid diets, or were too weak-minded to just take care of themselves. I thought these types of illnesses happened to other people: introverts, older people, people with no healthcare, unstable people. Not “normal” people. Certainly not me. I guess I’ve been taken down a few pegs.

I feel like I’ve received far more sympathy and understanding from others than I really deserve. I think I’ve learned compassion. And maybe in a few years there will be other life lessons I can site. And perhaps the reason this is happening will seem clear to me then. And if I’m lucky, I’ll be really happy and content with my life and perhaps even pain-free.

And I’ll look back and remember that this was the worst January of my life.

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3 responses »

  1. Loving you and wishing as a mom that I could make it all better. Only thing I can say sounds trite, but…"God will make a way where there seems to be NO way…"–even if you are mad at 'him' right now.

  2. You're the best, most wonderful daughter a dad could ever have(not to mention smart, good looking, fantastic mother, good sense of humor…).And You can save the drawing for your friends!!!!!!Love Your dad

  3. You are a terrific person and friend. I have no idea why this is happening but I promise to be there for you… even if it is at midnight (I'll be up don't worry). I am praying for you and your family. XOXO Kristy

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