I think that best describes how I have been feeling lately. Everything is more or less fine, but there is the feeling of unease that just won’t go away.
Perhaps it is the fact that I can’t seem to make peace about working away from the home. I’ve known that I wanted to follow this career path since I was a freshman in high school and I have worked my butt off for it. I’m good at it, I love the work, and I honestly feel it is what I was meant to do. It’s not just a job, it’s what I do. And it feels like such a huge part of who I am.
But, I have these two amazing children. And if you ask me what is the thing I treasure most about my life it is no doubt my family. Friday’s tend to be fairly awesome, even when we just hang out in Devan’s room all morning and eat leftovers for lunch-just because we’re together. I have no illusions that it would be that great all the time. I love my kids so deeply and I am constantly reevaluating if we are doing what is best for them. Seriously, constantly. I kept track one day at work and I changed my mind 5 TIMES about whether I should keep working like I am or make some changes. Talk about fickle. Or conflicted. Or just confused.
I can make a pro and con list a mile long and when I’m finished I don’t feel any sense of direction. So I keep on doing what I’m doing, waiting for something to happen to make me KNOW.
And perhaps it is the whole health thing, which has held me back more or less since high school. It’s always something- one thing after another. And I do my very best to get up each day and stay positive but there are days that I say to myself- “this is why people become reclusive…this is too hard…give up…stay in bed.” Seriously, some days are a struggle. Would I be better off not sitting in an office chair all day? Would chasing after two kiddos absolutely run me into the ground? Would I add emotional issues on top of the physical issues? Would I become depressed without a career which has given me a sense of purpose for the greater part of a decade?
What is best for my health? My career? My kids? Our family?
I wish I could figure it out. Because not knowing the answer is slowing driving me crazy.