Still Exhaling


Do you ever wake up from a nap feeling even more out of it, like you could sleep for another week?  I think the past few months has really taken it out of me, and I know I haven’t even gotten to the hard part yet.  But after spending the past week convincing myself that I would be dead by this time next year, it feels rather nice to have some hope for normalcy to return to us again, someday.  Not to mention, I don’t have to regret buying those fabulous new boots that just showed up on my porch today.  I’m going to be around to wear them, Craig, so they are totally worth it.  My celebration boots.

Anyways, the story I wanted to share earlier was about Devan. He was asking a lot of questions about the surgery so I found a helpful website with lots of diagrams to show him what they would do.  But as we talked I scrolled a little too far down and there before us was an EXTREMELY graphic picture of someone in the middle of surgery, with the entire half of their face exposed.  I scrolled up as quickly as I could, but we had both seen the image clearly and I felt like throwing up.

After a long pause, Devan quietly said to me : “Mom, I don’t think I want to be there when they do that to you, I think I’ll wait at home. But I’ll come visit you at the hospital! When it’s all done. I don’t want to see that.”

I assured him he wouldn’t have to ever see that in person, and that no one would have to be there except for the doctors, and that I would be very happy to see him afterwards.  I hope he can get that image out of his head because I sure can’t!! There is a reason that I never considered a profession even remotely involving healthcare.  I can deal with plants and dirt.  Blood and guts? No.  No, no, no.

Thank God I won’t have to see that.  I’m afraid of the surgical drain, of having my head wrapped like a mummy, of the pain, of vomiting from the anesthesia, of having to sleep on my right side instead of my left, of having problems with my nerves- on my face and otherwise.  But hopefully one thing I won’t have to fear is cancer.  The full report from my biopsy this morning (THREE tries digging around with a needle and no anesthesia, have I mentioned that?) is due by the end of the week, please pray that the preliminary result was correct.  I’m not sure how I could get through the next few weeks if it changes.  I  want to be in the majority for this once, this is the break that I want.


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