One foot in front of the other

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As far as I know, I need four sets of good news to be in clear with this tumor.  I’m halfway there.

 As I’ve mentioned, I had my appointment Tuesday and they did the biopsy (THREE TIMES, I can’t help but to mention it every time I write ‘biopsy’) and the initial results were benign. 

Yesterday afternoon, I got a phone call that resulted in me sobbing at work- final biopsy result is BENIGN.

 YES!!!!!!!  It’s not over yet though.  There are false negatives, and I don’t intend to be one of them.  I need the frozen section during surgery to also be benign, as well as the final pathology results from the actual tumor once the surgery is finished.  Crazy as it sounds, you can have three benign results and still have the last one come back malignant.  And that last result is the one that really matters.

 I’m not out of the woods, and I won’t be able to totally relax until mid January when we get those final results.  But I’d much rather be in this position than the other way around- hearing poor results and hoping there is a small chance they are wrong.  Yes, this is much better.

 My nerves are in high gear as I already did waaaaay too much googling when I was trying to figure out what in the heck was going on in there.  So there is no un-learning what is ahead of me.  And no erasing that awful image from my mind- they are going to totally open up my neck and face, and it terrifies me.  Yuck.  I’m going to get some more Xanax on Monday, seriously, and I’m going to be needing it.

 My surgery is scheduled for 6am on the 30th.  If all goes well, I will come home the next day and recover for 2-6 weeks.  It’s not going to be pleasant, that much I know.  And if I had had any idea of September of what would like ahead of me I would have had a breakdown.  But we are getting through it, one step at a time.  Leah has her tubes in tomorrow, then this little holiday called Christmas (ACK! I have nothing done!!) and then, surgery.  Ending the year like I started it.  But SOOOO thankful that the tide appears to be turning!

 And so many people have asked how they can help, and its hard to accept help but I think I will this time because I think we may need it.  Food would be great, if anyone is around those first two weeks.  I’ll personally be eating broth and applesauce and trying not to vomit, but I won’t feel like cooking and I don’t want Craig to feed my kiddos pizza rolls for two weeks.  Not that he would.  (But he might. He’ll have his hands full.)  And any good books, magazines, or movies?  I wouldn’t turn those down either.  And the offers to watch our kiddos are the sweetest, but I can’t really figure out the logistics of it.  So we’ll ship them off to Grandma’s for a few days, and then send them to daycare as much as we can afford.  

 We’re going to get through this and 2012 is going to be so much better. 

 One foot in front of the other. Repeat.   

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