Two steps forward, one and a half steps back

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I’ll be three weeks post-surgery tomorrow. I wish I could report that I feel like myself, but I just don’t. Recovery had been rather slow, a few good days sprinkled in there but a lot of exhaustion and pain. I honestly didn’t figure on this, I suppose every surgery is different but with the abdominal surgeries I was back at work a week later. I figured this would be even easier to recover from, but right now my body is just crashing.

I saw the surgeon, who felt like everything is going great. She is a great surgeon, but not so much a people person. I don’t think she felt like I had any legitimacy complaining about recovery until I’ve put in my full six weeks. In life, six weeks is a blink of an eye. When you are in pain, six weeks seems rather endless. She said this is all expected, that the tumor was large and I have a lot of internal healing to do. I know this makes perfect sense as I write it, but at the same time on some level I just can’t understand it or accept it. The scar looks good, why can’t I feel better now? I have a life to return to! Craig is tired, the kids are stir crazy, and I need to get back to work as this has not been a paid leave.

So I went to my family doctor and shared about some of the difficulties I’ve had. That I can’t tolerate the pain meds that work, and that the ones I can tolerate do little to help. How I am completely exhausted when I thought I should be getting energy back. How I can’t sleep at night thanks to the nerves sending what feels like electrical shocks zinging through my face, am having more panic attacks, can’t shake this cold, and feel like I’ve hit a massive roadblock.

She was so awesome, I love my doctor. I ended up crying in her office over the embarrassment I still feel over the fainting issue with the drain. She reassured me on so many levels that this is almost expected that I would be crashing right now, after months and months of pain and stress. She said I can think of it as part of the healing process, she assure me that they have folks faint in the office at least once a week- especially with something like a drain, and gave me some advice on adjusting some meds and supplements and some different things to try to get over the hump in the short term. She assured me I am not inadequate, and that it is going to be okay.

I can reread this and it seems stupid in a way that I am so upset that I am not at 100%, and I know everyone has been assuming I am doing great because that is more or less the image I would like to project. And life is so messy for so many, Melissa is not doing well and it breaks my heart, and others are grieving over very serious life issues and here I am upset that I can’t return to full speed as quickly as I had hoped. It sounds pretty petty, but it has been stressing me out and some day, when this is a book, I will remember what this felt like and hopefully be very thankful for my healthy life.

I actually hope to make some awesome progress the next two days as the kids are living it up at Grandmas, and all I need to do is sleep, sleep, sleep, and maybe juice some veggies and eat some protein. Hopefully some medication changes will do the trick and I will be feeling like myself again. Whatever that feels like, it’s been a really long time.

 

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