Permission to Fail

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I’ve never been one of those people who craves change.  In fact, I’m one of those people who avoids change. I let change come to me, and then I adjust because I have to. I take so much comfort in my routine.  For those of you who know me, I’m sure I’m not sharing anything you don’t know.

You also know the past few weeks have been extra tough.  It’s been a tough few years, or let’s just go ahead and call it a tough decade.  It’s not all bad of course, but I’ve had one health problem or another for most of that time.  So there’s that.

Last night Craig put the kids to bed and I laid on the couch, hurting. I tried to pick up a glass of water and the pain shot through my wrists and fingers and I almost dropped it.  That’s the sort of pain that scares me.  It’s also a blunt reminder, I’m NOT healthy. I can wish it, hope for it, pretend it, but that doesn’t make it reality.  Reality is that I need to cut myself some slack, instead of continuing to push myself.

Add all this together and you can perhaps understand why today, I left my job.  My dream job.  Do you know what it feels like to choose to walk away from your dream job? I can tell you that I cried the whole way home, and I’m not a crier.  (Or so I claim, starting to think I might be just a wee bit of a crier.)

This is a big change for me, one I’m not totally certain of.  I know there is going to be challenges but I hope there are rewards as well.  I know most of you read my blog through Reader but just this once, if you have any encouragement, or stay-at-home mom survival tips, please do share!  It’s been less than 12 hours and I’m already thinking “What did I just DO?”  (and, “Will I ever buy fabric again??”)  This is not what I wanted, but how often in life do we get what we want? We make the best of what we are given, and that is what I’m going to try to do.  (Wish me luck.)

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12 responses »

  1. I don’t think you are failing Elizabeth. You made a necessary choice that I think you will appreciate in the long run. I know it may feel awful now, but hang in there! You are being mindful in order to better take care of yourself and those around you. You are a wonderful person who has been dealt a rotten hand but you still seem to make the most of it and for that, I am very impressed and often humbled. I am sending lots of love your way today and for all the days that follow 🙂

    • Oh, Emily, you are such a sweet dear friend! I shouldn’t have checked my e-mails from work as I am now tearing up. Your words mean so much to me! And how are doing? I know you are no stranger to the struggle with pain. Have you fully recovered? Do you do any PT? A few of my doctors suspect I have rhuematoid arthritis. We shall see. I miss seeing you, I’ve been so nostalgic lately. I’m so glad we met in middle school, I don’t know what I would have done without you.

  2. Congrats!! How exciting for you to open yourself up to new possibilities! There are lots of ways to still be apart of the gardening dialogue without being apart of Vireo. Young kids take a lot of energy and work, please know it does get physically easier. You are doing the brave thing- go enjoy this new adventure! In August Cosmo will be in 1st grade and Orion will be in kindergarten and I never thought I would stay at home with my kids but in the end I know it was the best decision for our family and my emotional health. I feel in August I will be able to make my work life a higher priority now with them in school full time- it is exciting and scary. Embrace, enjoy, and realize there will still be hard days but hopefully with less guilt!

    • Excited and scared is exactly how I feel! And it is a relief to know it will be physiclaly easier soon, they keep me on my toes and I need naptime more than they do! Thank you so much for the support, I’m going to re-read these comments a lot in the coming months.

  3. It takes a very wise, brave and humble person to admit when change is necessary, and Elizabeth I think you are all of those things and more!! I’ve found that some of the most difficult and worrisome changes I’ve made in my life have also been the most rewarding, nevertheless HARD! So do cut yourself some slack and get used to your new normal, but also know you’re doing what is right and healthy for you and your family!! Life throws so many curve balls we don’t expect!! And if you need a play date, I’m around. Probably more fun when this kiddo arrives but hey! 🙂

    • April, you are always fun! The kids love you and I’m sure we can dream up some fun activites for this summer. And you are right about the curve-balls, you would think I would be used to it by now.

  4. Quitting isn’t ever fun. It’s always like breaking up with someone. Take one day at a time because you never know what will happen tomorrow. I think I can bring up some fabric and we just shut the kids in a room while we quilt, right?

  5. Find things to do with the kiddos – get out of the house every day if you have the energy for it. You can do it! Though I DO think being a stay at home parent is often harder than working, but maybe not physically. 🙂

    • I think in many ways, it is going to be harder. But in a different way. I do get a nap, and that makes up for a lot of it!! Thank you again for the gorgeous fabric, Leah absolutely loves her dresses and now I am hooked on making kids clothes, and you are to thank for that!

  6. God does not promise sun without rain, joy without sorrow, life without pain;
    But God does promise strength for today, hope for tomorrow, light for the way.
    author unknown. love, mamamarj

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